Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Let's try this again! But first a side note!

Some of you might be wondering what the heck is going on with me right now! I am wondering that myself! I have been treated for OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, depression and now more recently the past year anxiety. The more stress I have, the worse these things get. Plus, I seem to have a cycle, or my brain chemicals do. Last January and February I had my time of sleeping all night, waking up enough to get Koko off to school and the other two breakfast and a movie on, then sleeping for most of the day. Lou got pretty good at learning the remote control and changing DVDs! Well, I made it through that period!
After seeing the Psychiatrist biweekly, she is getting to know me pretty well. After going in Monday she started asking a lot of questions. Then she had me fill out a questioner on Adult ADD or ADHD. Needless to say, I got a 100%. She could see some of the symptoms. She noticed I always rub my fingernails and cuticles (goodlife totally notices it) I don't even realize I am doing it, I talk a lot and sometimes say random awkward things, get off track easily, have her repeat things. . . and so on. These are fairly normal things but when you put them all together with other symptoms it make complete sense! She really thinks that I have been miss diagnosed with OCD. See many of the symptoms overlap. The reasons for doing things that seem OCDish are completely different. Like doing things in a certain order; OCD way you just have to do it in that order, ADD way you have to do it in order or you will forget. Then if you don't do them in order your world falls apart because you just can't remember! The anxiety increases then you get angry at your 2 yr old because you can't remember if you washed her hair or not. When it would be totally rational to wash her hair (maybe again), but you just freeze! You get more and more angry and anxious and tension builds in the house. So now the depression is in full force. When I forget, can't find, or get distracted I just cry! My world stops and I just cry. Today I made it until about 5:00 (5:00p.m. lol-yes, sometimes I didn't make it til 5:00 a.m.!) with out crying! I kind of lost it a little after that, but it is progress! It wasn't as bad as the past while! I was pretty good at hiding it but not so much lately!
You know its bad when your dad and mom fly here in about two days notice!! I was so thankful for them making that sacrificing. It was so hard for them to go! sniff sniff... Then Grandma Sally came. That has been planned for about a year! Again it was so hard for her to go. more sniff sniff sniff... Then Pete, Gail and Marie came. Again the depart was not so good. It sucks because when I was not able to function, they could step in. I know, I know some of you are thinking I totally could have called you. It isn't so easy asking someone to come take care of your family because you can't. You know, in the middle of this I didn't even know what I needed! Sometimes, well most of time I just want to run away. I just can't take care of the girls or my husband. Others could do it so much better. Just to make things clear, I didn't want to die or anything, just go away. Sleep or whatever in a hotel.
Since a house can't function like this, somethings gotta give. Hence the many visits to the Psych. BTW, I really like this doctor! She is great. A friend from church informed me about her. I am so thankful she shared this info! I could totally hang out with her yet she is assertive and remembers she is the DR.!! Many times it takes a little (or a lot) of time to get on the right track with behavioral therapy and medicine. I have been taking Prozac for about 5 years now. After this discovery Monday, I won't be taking it anymore! I am on different medicine now. The good news is that I hopefully won't have to take them long term. We just have to get the depression and this vicious cycle under control. Some may disagree with medicine. That's ok! This is too far out of control not to get that kind of help! I hope that explains a little. I do not share this to get sympathy or for others to feel sorry for me, just give an explanation!
Back to Koko! lol
I can't believe she is 8 and Baptised! I am proud of her making the decision. She is so smart. She is so in tune with the spirit. Maybe it is because she has had to grow up so quickly because of her lack of a stable mother?? That part is going to change!
Lou was so excited for her. It was so neat to watch her watch Koko!
Oh and guess what, she even recited the scripture we have been challenged to memorize by our stake. If the children do this they get to sign a beautiful picture frame given to our stake. To get to sign, they can recite it to a member of our ward Primary presidency. She asked if that counted! I totally think so! Especially since the stake pres. was there herself! It really doesn't surprise me she memorized the scripture, it totally was surprising she was able to recite it in front of all those people.
You go girl!


marcia@joyismygoal said...

wow A I so admire you and the work you are doing to figure things out-you are so brave I have been through the ringer to put it mildly most of Jan Feb and March but I cannot ask for help, figure it out or post about it because I am supposed to be so strong The baptism was so nice i was proud of KOKO

Mutt and Karlee Hall said...

Angela- I had no idea you were still dealing with this and trying to figure this out! I remember the first time you went in about it in Silver City! And by the way- who cares what anybody else things about medication...if it helps you and makes you feel like you can function....then take it!! I am praying that you finally get this all figured out and get back to a normal life! And I just want you to know that I love ya and am so happy to know you, even if it has been forever since I've seen you!!

The Tall and Short of it said...

Karlee--you made me smile! Thanks! Of course the pharmacist's wife would agree with meds!! lol BTW how is Mutt doing??

nikko said...

Hugs, hugs, hugs!!!

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