Angela and I work out at 24 Hour fitness. Like most gyms, a long line of treadmills span the wall in nicely positioned rows. Each consisting of 10 to 15 treadmills in a single line. At any given time you will spot the short, tall, skinny, fat, big boned, athletic, and not so athletic attempting the rhythmic walking or running balancing act known as the treadmill dance. It takes effort to walk or run in a straight line on most treadmills. It takes even more effort not to watch your feet the whole time to make sure you don't look drunk, but with all of the TVs surrounding the treadmill area, it is a common occurrence. Thank goodness most treadmills have hand rails! Most of the time you wait in line to get on one of the treadmills. This night was not in the norm. Upon arriving at the gym I noticed that the far row was completely empty. I was excited knowing that being alone meant that others did not have to see me, the giant, trying to take small strides as to remain upright on the moving belt. Full strides for this GIGANTORE means a swift and abrupt ride straight into the back wall. So I chose one of the treadmills right in the middle. After about 20 minutes and enough time to work up a good sweat I noticed that I was surrounded by women! A guys dream right? Just wait....it gets better! The treadmills next to me were full and I was the only guy. This is where the story begins.......
Soon after noticing that I was not alone, a strong smell stung my nose! This smell alone triggered dry heaves and convulsions in my lower abdomen. As time passed the smell relinquished its grasp on my senses and I was able to refocus on finishing my workout. Then POW, BANG, BOOM...there it is again. This time the "I Smell Pooo" look was all over my face. As I looked to my left and then to my right each of them had the look of innocence on their faces. I wanted to scream....."PUT A CORK IN IT", "STOP THE TRUMPET CHEEKS", "WHO'S GOT THE BUFFALO BUTT", but used better judgement and tried to remain calm. Let me remind you....I was the only male in this section of the gym. So as this smell began to make my eyes water and nose run, I noticed that as people walked past this section of treadmills they too got the "I Smell Pooo" look. Then THEY WOULD LOOK RIGHT AT ME and would walk away shaking their heads. ARE YOU SERIOUS? What the H...E...Double hockey sticks is going on? By this time I probably looked green as I tried to run with my shirt over my nose! Ducking and blowing away little fart fairies as they shot the latest PooPerfume up my nostrils. This continued for several Fart Bombs, Blue Darts, Natural Gas outbursts, Hershey squirts, whatever you want to call them. Out of 20+ people that walked passed our beloved STINKY section of treadmills that night, about 19 of them looked at me with disgust in their eyes!
DUDE, first of all, if a guy produces that kind of e-flatulate, THEY CALL IT! That kind of STANK needs recognition and an award! Second, it is probably not the guy that is green, with watery eyes, runny nose, and shirt over his face. That tells me right there that the sewage smell did not come from his sphincter. Voluntary or involuntary that did not come from him! Lastly, you look for the Poo Captain which is probably the one that looks like she doesn't smell anything....GUILTY as charged!!!!!!! Sentenced to Stereotyping of the extreme. But because I was a guy....AND ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THAT KIND OF THING....I was guilty before proven innocent and stereotyped as the one that needed a colon cleansing!!!! As my workout ended, and I felt as if I wiped my nose with used toilet paper, I walked out of the gym thankful for the fresh air outside.
Laughing to myself all the way home, I relayed the story to Angela. She could not stop laughing. So hard that she almost wet herself! SO, hopefully this brought some humor and enjoyment to your day or night. Here are some of the signs that should be posted by the treadmill section.