Monday, September 29, 2008

You Know Your Tall When....

NOTE: If you are easily offended, please stop reading now and consult your "I am Short Guide" by Napolean for Positive Reinforcement.

You Know Your Tall When...

  • While using the public restroom, somebody asks over the stall door..."Why are you standing on the toilet seat?"

  • People refer to you as the "Jolly Green Giant". Most of the time I am not Jolly let alone Green so what is the deal? How would you like it if I refered to you as one of the 7 Dwarfs, Santa's Elf, a Munchkin from Munchkin Land, or an Oompa Loompa?

  • While walking down a hotel hallway an instant puff of air freshener coats the side of your face with fresh lemon scent. What are the odds of me walking past an automatic air freshener and having it TAG my face perfectly? I did smell good the rest of the evening.

  • You remove hair and a chunk of skin on the top of your head from a fire sprinkler nozzle located on the ceiling.

  • Most showers hit you in the mid stomach area.

  • You can't push on the gas pedal and steer the car at the same time due to the lack of leg room (compact cars). Upon arriving at the National Rental Facility in Chicago, in which all cars in the lot where "compact" in size, I proceeded to try and sit in each one. The purpose of this was to see which one I would fit into the best and be able to drive safely. Near the end of my Sitting Spree I noticed that 8 rental facility workers were pointing and laughing histerically at my situation! Luckily I didn't crash on this trip. Maybe the next time someone comes upto me in the grocery store and asks for my help getting something off the top shelf, I will just point and start laughing histerically!!!!!

  • While putting on your shirt in the morning, the ceiling fan proceeds to play the drums with your forearm.

  • Hallway EXIT signs become "You are Tall" reminders. Right now I have knocked down 4 exits signs with my forehead. Mainly in Hotel hallways....Sorry Marriott.

  • You buy a T-Shirt that says....."Keep Staring....I might do a Trick!!!" Yes this is borderline Klampity and a bit RedNeck-ish, but it gets the point across!!

  • Clothes at the Big & Tall stores don't even fit! They should rename these stores "Big & Fat".
  • Birds use the top of your head for target practice.
  • You frequently clear the path of spider webs and cobwebs with your hair.
  • People ask if they can use you for Shade.
  • Your wife has to stand on a chair to give you a hug or look you in the eyes.
  • People start guessing how tall you are. I hear "What are you 6'2"...6'3" all of the time!!!!
  • You have to play LIMBO with the top of door ways. I walked through a 9 foot doorway and out of habit ducked my head. The person behind me asked why I ducked my head through the door. THANK YOU CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • You can lock the passenger door from the driver's seat without moving.
  • You don't fit in the Dentist chair!
  • You cannot stand straight up in most parking garages.
  • You are referred to as a Tree, Giraffe, Totem Pole, get my drift. Again, maybe I should start likening these short people to chihuahua's, step stools, or ants. My guess is that they wouldn't appreciate that.
  • By the way.....SHOUTING....."Hows the weather up there!!!" NOT a proper conversation piece.
  • Your extra pair of shoes takes up 50% of your luggage.
  • That darn "Watch your Head" Fairy follows you around. One day I will catch that little bugger!
  • You look in the mirror in the morning and all you see is your torso.
  • Persons you are aquainted with point out that if they are ever caught in a lightning storm with you that you will be the first one struck! Better yet, I will just grab you, put you on my shoulders....that way, we both go down!
  • You don't fit into airline lavatories.
  • People trip over your feet while you are sitting down in normal sitting position. It's not done on purpose, you just need to navigate yourself around my feet (My personal space is a little bit more than standard). Would reflector strips or strobe lights on my shoes help???
  • You are randomly given a description of what a person is wearing, and asked if you can spot them in a crowd.
  • You make most people feel short when they are around you. In my book, you are short, so get used to it!!!!
  • YES, It's called "Napolean Syndrome" or "Short Man's Syndrome". I am sooo sorry that YOUR parents gave you YOUR short genes...It is not my fault...Drop your anger towards me...and get over it!!!! You should have eaten your vegetables and Wheaties!!
  • When Grocery Store Callout Tags or Isle Violators SLAP you in the face!! There is a good reason why I stand in the middle of the isle. The least amount of bodily harm can occur there.
  • Room service leaves you a polite note asking you not to untuck the sheets at the foot of the bed. HELLO!!! I DON'T FIT IN YOUR BED! What do you want me to do? Cut off my feet above the ankles?!! SERIOUSLY!!!!!!
  • The doctors office measuring device (on the scale) does not go past 6'8" and the nurse has to ask you how tall you are.
  • People ask you what they can do, or what their sons can do, to be as tall as you! Um...let me see....send them to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory and have them stretched out on the Taffy Puller!!! Like genes have absolutely nothing to do with it!!! NOTE to Self...If your Mom and Dad are short, you have a pretty good chance of being short yourself!!!
  • The first words out of strangers mouths are...."You're Tall"! DUH!!! REALLY!!! That's what people keep telling me! Golly Gee are the first person to point that out! Thanks!!!
  • You are asked if you can give up a couple of inches, so the short person can be taller! The answer is.....NO!!! Go buy some shoes that make you taller or hang around people shorter than you!!!

Again....This is for humor, but is very real and are situations that I deal with on a daily basis. If I did any of the following to all the short people out there, I would not have any friends first off, and I would probably get into a lot of fist fights. ENJOY!!!!


marcia@joyismygoal said...

oh my well i have been caklled a n oompaloompa and I am not THAT short:)

Holly said...

honestly, this is very funny...Kimball and I looked forward to reading this, but whenever we hang out I would ask you not stand to close to my husband as it always makes him look short and fat, and it sort of wigs me out because I'm used to him being taller than the majority of people we're around...I had a great time visiting with you guys on sunday we should hang out more often

I have a good life said...

If you hated short people...we definitely could not be friends! :) Great post.

Scott and Rhiannon said...

Great post! It reminds me of my dad and all the comments he STILL gets!

Anita Witkamp said...

You forgot one! When your cousin brings you to school for Show and Tell!! You were such a great sport on that one and Kelsey will always love you for that!!


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